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Posts Tagged ‘Comparing’

Comparing Relationships

Comparing Relationships

Administrator’s Opinion

If you take the strengths of other relationships and compared them to the weakness of your relationship, how do you think you’d size up? Do you think this will make you feel good?

The funny thing is , this is what most of us do at one time or another, and some of us do it pretty often.— It’s not that useful, and it’s also a roadmap to misery and unhappiness.

We often seem to think, that the value of our relationship can be increased or decreased by the relationships of others. If our friends have a so-called “perfect relationship” (which I don’t think there is any), we might question our own relationship and feel unhappy and miserable if it doesn’t come up to the other ideal.

I think each relationship is different and unique, but at the same time, I also believe comparing relationships sometimes might be a good thing if you can focus only on the good things others are doing that is making their relationship to blossom, and incorporate what you’ve learned into your own relationship, to prevent it from heading downhill.

We as a people, will always compare ourselves to others. It becomes a habit, and sometimes not even aware, we are doing it.

Your energy will be senselessly drained if you continuously feed your ego with meaningless comparisons.

Note: This is the opinion of the administrator. A trained marriage therapist and relationship expert will be commenting on the topic discussed at the end of two weeks.

QUESTION 

Could comparing your relationship with others, affect your own relationship?

Response to Comparing Relationships by Colleen Blake-Miller, M.Div  ( Individual, Couple and Family therapist)

Comparing ourselves and what we have to others; yes we know it happens and if we are honest we’ll admit that we catch ourselves doing it from time to time.  We live in a culture that thrives on getting us to do just that; compare ourselves and what we have with the people around us.  Advertisers have us feeling like what we have isn’t enough (compared to what others have) and then they solicit us to acquire more ‘stuff’ to help us ‘measure up’.  So it isn’t surprising when a person finds themselves comparing their relationship with somebody else’s.  

Comparing our relationship with the relationships of others is a recipe for disaster.  The act of comparing involves looking at what you have, then looking at what another person has, looking back at yourself and questioning if you’re up to par.  It is a set up, because if you come out on top today, I can promise you that tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that you won’t be coming out on top.  Eventually you will walk away feeling that your relationship doesn’t measure up or isn’t somehow good enough based on how you see others relationships to be.  This becomes a problem because all we can do from the outside looking in is ‘perceive’ what’s going on in another persons relationship, only the people in that relationship truly ‘KNOW’ what is going on.  Even when people speak about their marriage, we must consider that they don’t typically boast about what isn’t working for them, but will broadcast what IS going well, and keep their struggles to themselves.

So we must be mindful not to make adjustments in our relationship based on what we THINK is going on in someone else’s.  Instead of comparing our relationship with others I encourage couples to focus in on the areas that they are having difficulty, and look to improve them in a creative way that will be unique to THEM, as another couples solution may not fit for them and could in fact cause more harm than help.

With regards to having mentors in our lives who can help guide us in our relationships I think that these kind of relationships can be helpful and supportive if done by a couple who is ‘seasoned’ and can appreciate the uniqueness that each couple possesses, and desires to help them build on their strengths, and use these strengths to improve areas needing growth in their marriage.  This defines a healthy and helpful mentoring relationship. 

Colleen Blake-Miller M.Div
Individual, Couple, and Family Therapist
To contact Colleen log onto
www.colleenblakemiller.com or call 416-837-4892

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